it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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