I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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