Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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