I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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