Pappa wants mamma naked
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
