He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
