Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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