I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
