all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
