She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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