When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
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