Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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