Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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