Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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