I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
