I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
