I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
