So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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