If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
