I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
