I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
