So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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