I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
