Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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