i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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