Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
