When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
