I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
