Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
