Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize