I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
