Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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