you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
im six kinds of drunk right now
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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