It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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