Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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