man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
