Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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