whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
