She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
