hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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