how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize