I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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