I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
