I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
