I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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