Do you still have your period?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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