Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
