I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
