I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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