I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
