so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
