you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
