well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
