you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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