Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
