it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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